Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Boy-Girl Relationships II

Your bashert is designated but if you deserve better, you will get better than your bashert (i.e. your bashert will change to someone better) and if you don’t deserve your bashert you won’t get him.


You should tell your boy/girlfriend that you are growing spiritually now and that if (s)he cares about you (s)he should let you go, since that is what is best for you now.


Hashem often allows good things to emerge from bad ones.

I know a Jew who became an atheist, and his Christian girlfriend dragged him to Church one day, which in the end led him to question and later discard his atheism. Eventually, he came back. If it wasn’t for his shiksa and her idolatry he would have remained an atheist.

Does that mean its OK to go out with shiksas? And to go to Church?

What about a guy who gets drunk, takes a drive, passes a red light, totals the car, and, laying there in the hospital, decides he has to straighten out. Does that mean drunk driving is OK?

It says nowhere that good things cannot come from bad - but that does not make them less bad.


Someone who has actual relations with someone else, not just thoughts about them, will have that person constantly follow them around in Olam habah - it’s a Gemora in Avodah Zorah 5a.

But the thoughts are assur regardless, under the laav of lo sasuru acharei eineichem.

The Teshuva for the thoughts - and relations as well - is the same as for everything else: you need to regret that you did it and resolve not to do it again.

Someone who did Teshuva has nothing to worry about from those aveiros in the next world. Nobody is going to follow them around. When a person does Teshuva the aveirah is erased in the next world. It never happened.


The Ibn Ezra says that we are only frustrated or jealous when we don't have something that we believe we could have had. But if there is something that we know we never had a chance for, we do not get hurt when we don’t get it.

He says it’s like when a princess gets married. Some prince may get hurt that she didn't marry him, but a peasant won't feel bad, because he knows the princess would never marry him anyway.

So, too, he says, anything that Hashem does not let us have means that we were not destined to have it. Ever. And that we could never have it. Never. Hashem decides who gets what in this world. Whatever we don't have, was never in the cards for us to have.

So, says the Ibn Ezra. Nobody really has reason to be jealous or hurt that they didn't get something. Because if they would really focus on the way it works, they would know that it was never destined for him anyway. Like the princess and the peasant.

You have to focus on the fact that if you didn’t get this person, it was never meant to be. It is better for you that you don’t have them, because if Hashem would have wanted you to have them, you would have. This girl is not destined for you. Before she was born, she was matched with someone else - it was never a possibility for you to get her. Hashem gives us exactly what He prepares for us in this world exactly what He wants us to have. What we don't get is not ours, and could never be. It’s another universe, and not within our grasp.

Of course you're not going to tell her to wait for you - that would be a jerky thing to do - but I do think that if she feels this way about you, deep down, she might wait anyway. That’s not to say she wont date; she probably will. But she will do so with this gnawing feeling similar to the feeling you had when you told her not to wait for you.

On the other hand, she may meet some guy she likes and end up getting engaged.

I would suggest being straight with her and telling her something like this:

We both know that I am not ready to get married; you are. I definitely need another year in Eretz Yisroel, because my learning is not where it should be yet and to me - and to you - that’s the most important thing in the world. And I still have no means of supporting a family.

It would be wrong of me to tell you to wait for me, but I would be lying if I said I didn't hope, deep down, that you would.

I really feel like you're the girl I can build a bais ne'eman with on the level that I want to be on when I'm married since we're both heading in the same direction.

I just don't know what to do now.

What you're leaving out of the picture is what she wants. Does she want to wait? Did you ask her? I suggest that, if you’re really into each other you ask her straight out.
So go for it. Put all your cards on the table. You’ll never regret telling her - but you may regret that you didn't.


Thinking bad thoughts does more damage to your soul since your thoughts are actually a part of your neshoma. Bad thought directly pollute your Neshomah. However, bad actions are a greater sin.

This is because a lesser sin can do more damage to you in the long run than a more sever sin. Like if someone jumps off the roof - its only one sin, but you ruined your chances for your future!

Someone cuts off their arms, they can't put on tefillin anymore.

Someone becomes friends with a very bad influence, it might not be as big a sin as eating Dominoes Pizza, but it may ruin you a lot more in the long run.

Same here -- bad thoughts aren’t as bad a sin as bad actions (generally speaking), but they pollute your soul more.

Exception: Certain thoughts are considered "actions" themselves, such as idolatrous thoughts, or apikorsus, or lewd thoughts. Those things are prohibited as sins themselves, as if they were actions. Generally, however, a thought-about sin is not considered a sin, even though it pollutes your soul.


Call whomever you are having shomer negiya issues with, let’s say your uncle for example, and discuss this with him before you meet him again.

Say something like "Uncle, you know I'm religious, right?"

Uncle: "Right."

You: "You know I keep Shabbos, eat kosher, pray..."

Uncle: "Uhuh."

You: "Well, uncle, I got a problem, and I hope you...won't...[at this point, lower the tone of your voice to almost inaudibility] ... get upset with . . . me ...."

Uncle (puzzled, almost worried): "What is it? What's the matter?"

You: "I, ah, am [lower your voice again] not allowed to...touch...my....ah...uncle. Or [go even lower] ... ... be touched by him."

Uncle: "Whew! That's it? No problem! Tell the Moderator that his idea worked!"

Seriously, do something like that, where you don't accuse him of being bad, or non-religious, or you look holier-than-thou.

What you want to do is make it YOUR issue, not his, this has to do with YOU and the fact that you are religious, not the fact that he is not.

And if you build it up, he'll be thinking who knows what, so when you finally tell him what the issue really is, he'll be relieved.

It should work.


There are several general rules of messed up families. One is that guys and girls, if they get hit (damaged), get damaged in different ways.

Usually, a guy who comes from a place where relationships are abusive and exploitative end up creating relationships where they abuse or exploit their partner. Girls, on the other hand, coming from the same place, end up entering into relationships where they get abused and exploited by their partner.

Guys end up the aggressor, girls end up the victim. But just as sure as guys find girls to victimize, girls find guys that will victimize them.

It's not always like this, but from experience, I can tell you that's where the odds are.

Why this is so, I can't say for sure. Maybe it's because the guys end up like their fathers and the girls end up like their mothers, and usually it’s the father who is the aggressor. Who knows?

So again, not everyone who comes from a messed up home gets run over. But just because you don't use or abuse guys doesn't mean you reached the other side of the street safely. If you see a pattern in your life where guys you are with end up abusive, seek help. Believe it or not, there are girls who have like these "subconscious radars" that can pick out abusive guys and end up getting involved with them. Let's make sure you're not one of them.




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